From September 2013 Newsletter
We learned what emotional intelligence—often abbreviated as EQ (in contrast to IQ)—is and is not. Lisa shared the following definition for EQ: a set of emotional and social skills that collectively establish how well we perceive and express ourselves, develop and maintain social relationships, cope with challenges, and use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way.
EQ is not a measure of cognitive intelligence (IQ). It is not professional aptitude, vocational interest or personality. It is not static, but dynamic—ever-changing and adapting.
EQ recognizes that we use a different set of emotional and social skills depending on the setting (think work vs. home, or with your boss vs.with your best friend). We often hear that the workplace is no place for emotions. The problem with that outlook is that as human beings, we are all inherently emotional, explained Lisa. Where people are present, emotions are present. EQ is not about “how emotional we are or are not,” but about using emotional information effectively.
Emotional intelligence involves being aware of emotions and using that information well. Lisa introduced us to an EQ model developed by Reuven Bar-On, a leading researcher in the field of psychology. It is comprised of 5 facets:
l Self-perception
l Self-expression
l Interpersonal
l Decision-making
l Stress Management
Each of these areas are broken into three subscales for a total of 15 components that make up Emotional Intelligence. We all possess these skills to one degree or another. Certain skills help in different roles or situations. For example, salespeople who exhibit higher levels of optimism tend to be more successful, because they can better managerepeated rejection by prospective customers. Customer service agents strongly rely on empathy as well as stress tolerance skills.
We can find out what our strengths and challenge areas are across these 15 scales through the EQ-i 2.0 Assessment,
based on the work of Reuven Bar-On and used in more than 45 countries around the world. (Those who are interested in taking the assessment can get in touch with Lisa, who is an EQ-i certified practitioner; contact information is at the end of this article.) The good news is that we aren't stuck with our current level of EQ—we can enhance our skills and improve in any area that we choose.
Take, for example, the area of self-perception, which is the foundation of EQ. The language we use about ourselves not only reflects, but also shapes, how we perceive ourselves, Lisa pointed out. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, if someone declares, “I am a terrible public speaker!” she is unknowingly limiting her growth in this area.
Lisa suggested that by shifting the language we use about ourselves, we can shift our self-perception, and
future growth. The alternate declaration would be: “I’m a beginner at public speaking.” (This could be used
in any area in which we feel inadequate: “I’m a beginner at salsa dancing,” or “I’m a beginner at project management.”)
Proclaiming ourselves beginners gives us the expectation of periods of learning, study, and practice, as well as
sporadic set-backs and advances. We expect that we will make mistakes, and that we will improve over time. Lisa
encouraged us to “extend kindness and grace to ourselves,” through our language.
Another tool that Lisa shared is the Emotional Inventory Tracking Sheet. At various points at the start, middle,
and end of her talk, Lisa invited each of us to identify how we were feeling at the moment (with a list of potential
emotions to help us beyond the basics of “happy” or “sad”, such as: excited, bored, worried, anxious, proud,
ashamed, virtuous, insecure, powerful, frustrated, peaceful, etc.).
We jotted down the feeling on the sheet provided, and the time it was recorded, as well as our answers to
three thought-provoking questions:
1. What is the cause of the feeling(s)?
2. What does the feeling(s) look or sound like to others?
3. How could you either continue or stop this feeling(s)?
MWF members were surprised to find that in the course of one short hour, we experienced a range of emotions.
Had we not been prompted to take stock of them, we may not have even noticed them. And yet, emotions
influence us whether we take note of them or not. As Lisa explained, “The more we are aware of emotions, the
more we can manage them.” This approach to tracking emotions is a terrific takeaway, as it can come in handy in various areas of everyday life—e.g., at work during stressful meetings, at home when parenting tantrum-prone toddlers (or teenagers!), even while grappling with the chaos that is EDSA during rush hour. I’ll be curious to hear how various MWF members use it.
Would anyone like to share their experiences at [email protected]?
Lisa Tilstra, executive coach
and certified EQ-i practitioner,
can be reached at
[email protected]
or +63 919 -644- 4368.